Confessions of an Angel Mommy

There is a video going around on facebook called Confessions of a Grieving Parent. I can relate to a bunch of the things that it says in the video so I decided I wanted to "confess" a few things about myself as a grieving parent...

I cry in the shower because its the only place I feel "safe" from others seeing me.

Sometimes I will force myself to stay awake later than Adam so that I can cry myself to sleep without bothering him.

Just because I smile doesnt mean that I am "ok" now because truth is, I will never be "ok" and dont want to be!

Being around other children is EXTREMELY hard, seeing them do normal kid things like getting popsicle all over their face or splashing in a bathtub just reminds me of what I will never have!

Hearing another baby cry makes me want to puke, I never got to hear my baby cry, not one single time. I am sure it would of been music to my ears!

When I go to Walmart I always walk through the baby section and touch all the little boy clothes and open the baby lotion and baby wash just to smell it. (crazy I know)

I go days without a shower and rarely shave my legs because I dont feel like I deserve to feel sexy.

I rarely put on makeup, dress up or fix my hair anymore because I dont feel pretty so whats the use?

When people tell me "I dont know how you do it, I couldnt do what you do" honestly....I want to punch them in the face....what choice do I freaking have? Do you think I wanted to do this? Do you think that I thought I could do this? NO but I do it because this is the hand in life I was dealt.

Dont tell me that you understand how I feel because you have lost a spouse, brother, sister, aunt or uncle...I lost my CHILD its not the same!

When I see pictures of a "normal" birth I want to scream at the top of my lungs because I didnt get that "normal" in fact I didnt see my son for the very first time until 7 hours after he was born. And didnt get to hold him until he was 8 days old

I feel like I will lose my husband at any minute because we dont have anything (children) to keep him from wanting to leave me.

Every time I feel a little sick or a pain I automatically think that I have some deadly virus and am going to die. The day after Parker died I was in the emergency room because I was convinced I was dieing. The next week I was at the doctor because I was convinced I had a staph infection, the week after that I was calling the birthing unit at our local hospital because I was convinced that my csection had went wrong and I was going to bleed to death.

I am terrified of having another child because I cant imagine what it would feel like to lose another one.

Soon after Parker died I would hold his little bear that we bought him like it was a baby just so my arms didnt feel so empty.

Sometimes I will touch his pictures just hoping that I will remember what the touch of his skin felt like.

I avoid going around family because I feel so guilty that I couldnt give them the perfect grandchild that they have always wanted me to have.

Sometimes I am so scared to be alone but feel like a burden if I ask someone to come sit with me.

I dont feel like I fit in anywhere, like I make everyone feel awkward because they dont know what to say to me without making me cry.

I feel like everyone around me is judging me for things I do or dont do.

Time will not heal my heart, I lost my child, things will never be the same!

These are just some of my personal feelings and from talking with other angel moms I understand that its completely normal. No matter what anyone says or does I am still going to feel this way, maybe things will get better, who knows, but my heart will never be whole!

I miss you baby boy, almost 6 months old...I honestly dont know how Ive made it this far. I just want to be in heaven holding you. I am so sorry that mommy wasnt enough to make you all better. Thats what hurts me the most. I am supposed to fix your boo-boos and make sure you get all better and I wasnt good enough to do that. I tried Parker I would of given you my heart if I could have. There isnt one second of any day that goes by that you arent in my mind. I miss you more and more! I cant understand why you had to be taken away from us! Please come visit us Parker in any way that you can, in a dream, a sign, something, I just miss you!

The one and only time I got to see my baby with his eyes open

A few rough days

This last week has been rough to say the least. The 19th Parker would of been 4 months old. Oh what I would give to see his smile. On the 23rd marked 1 year that we found out that we were expecting our sweet little guy. Little did we know how special he would be. Easter...I was just not feeling it. There was just nothing for me to celebrate. I didn't want to even get out of bed let alone watch little kids get to enjoy their Easter baskets and hunt for Easter eggs.

Yesterday was so emotionally exhausting so I was going to take a nap. Around 830 pm Katie sent me a text message and told me that Olivia was having a rough time and she thought this was "it" I waited and waited for the news to hear that everything was ok and she was just giving us another little scare, for those of you that know Olivia shes pretty good at that. Then came the news that I didn't want to hear...from Katies facebook wall "Chris and I have a beautiful sassy diva in heaven" I screamed NOOOO this couldn't be happening. Adam and I sat on the couch holding each other and crying for Katie and Chris. Not that any of the babies we lose in this community are easy but this one is HARD. Many of you know how close Katie and I are. I love that girl with all of my heart. I've never met Olivia and I already miss her. Almost everyday I would get a picture of her sent to my phone. All those cute little outfits and shoes....she loved shoes just like her Aunt Heather....Im gonna miss you Olive juice.

I spoke with Katie last night....A couple of weeks ago I sent Olivia an Easter basket with lots of little goodies. Katie told me that her and Chris got to give Olivia her last bath and dress her one last time. Katie dressed her in the outfit that I sent her in her Easter basket. It made me cry and smile all at the same time. It meant so much to me. I am so glad that she got to wear her little Easter dress and I know it looked beautiful on her!

Olivia and Parker were born 4 days apart, little angels. They both weighed 6 lb 1 oz. Olivia was 20 inches long and Parker was 19 inches long. Katie and I have a birthday less than a week apart. Parker and Olivia were our first babies. I don't know but I think we were meant to meet each other. I know that we were meant to be each others support. We have tooooo many things in common for this not to of happened for a reason. We dont understand it and probably never will but I just keep believing that she was put into my life for a reason.I cant wait to meet her, hopefully very soon!

Dear Parker,
You finally get to meet Olivia, isn't she beautiful? I hope that you 2 will play nice and watch over all of us. Even though we wanted to introduce you 2 little munchkins here on earth and watch you grow up, I know that you have met in heaven and are free of pain. We all miss you babies so much, please stay close to us as we are still struggling everyday. Please especially watch over Olivia's mommy and daddy these next few weeks they are going to need you 2.

Kisses, kisses and more kisses... I love you Parker and Olivia!

There is now a little monkey and a little owl in heaven...I can imagine all the trees you 2 have already climbed! Have fun, be good, and come visit us every once in awhile....


Please keep Katie and Chris in your thoughts and prayers as they lay their little angel to rest.

All the should haves

Back when I was pregnant with Parker I struggled a lot with getting ready for him. I didn't want to buy anything for him or have a nursery ready for him. My biggest fear was coming home from the hospital without him and having his room all set up. I didn't have a baby shower or anything, I was too scared of what might happen. If I could go back in time and change my own mind then I would get prepared for him. I was so wrong in thinking that coming home to an empty nursery would be my worst nightmare.

Even though I didn't have a nursery set up for Parker and all the things that he would need. I still collected plenty of things while we were in the hospital thanks to all the people that donated goodies to the families that were in the hospital. We came home with a car load of stuff for Parker. Some of it is still in the back of the car because we haven't unloaded it. Its just something that I don't want to do, or feel like I'm ready to do. Everyday I think of Parker and still cry for him. I walk by his "should of been" nursery and my heart still aches. Even though its not all set up and doesn't have a crib or dresser or changing table its still his room.

My point is, no matter if we set up that room and filled it with a bunch of baby things my heart still aches for him. Not having a nursery hasn't made my grief any less. Coming home from the hospital to a nursery and baby things wasn't my worst nightmare like I thought it would of been. Coming home from the hospital without my baby was my worst nightmare and nursery or no nursery I still hurt the same. I still have reminders of him in everything I do or see.

I just wish that I had more memories of him. I sit and wonder what theme his room would of been in. What the theme of my baby shower would of been. The memories me and my husband could of made while painting his room and buying the crib and bedding set. I feel like I gave up on him long before he was born and that wasn't fair for me to do. I hope that Parker knows that I loved him and wanted him to come home with me more than anything, even though I didn't even have a crib or anything for him.

I only have two things that I ever bought for my son. A few weeks before he was born Adam and I went to Babies R Us and picked out one outfit for him, the outfit that we dressed him in the night he passed away. The only other thing that we bought for him was a Build A Bear the day after Christmas. It hurts that I didn't get more involved in preparing for him because I don't have those memories.

I know I can't live the rest of my life regretting every decision I made but sometimes it's the only thing I know to do. I hope that someone reads this that is expecting a heart baby or any sick baby for that matter. I just want you to know that memories made will be treasured forever. Take every opportunity you have making memories with your baby. You don't know how many days you will have with your child, whether it be 11 days like in my case or 11 years, the only thing you have left is the memories. Make lots of them!

My special heart family

People often ask me how I have the courage to still follow all the other heart babies and their families. The truth is the other babies are my family too. I hurt right along with the other mommies every time there is an upcoming surgery, or every time another tragically loses their life, or when a mother is newly diagnosed and looking for answers. Once you are a part of this "heart family" you will never be the same. I am still a heart mom and always will be. It wouldn't be fair to Parker if I disowned my heart family because he is the reason I know so many of you.

There is one baby that holds a very special place in my heart! Miss Olivia! Katie and I met online when we were both expecting. Olivia and Parker were due within a week of each other. I joked with Katie one night that I was scared to go first and I wish she was going first. She text me one night and told me I got my wish, she was going to be induced on the 21st of December and I was scheduled for my csection on the 22nd of December. We talked about a lot of our fears and worries, the time was getting closer! Well our babies both had their own plan. Parker decided to make his arrival on December 19th. I guess he wanted to be older than his little girlfriend. Olivia had her own plans as well....if I remember correctly Katie was admitted into the hospital on December 20th and induced. She was in labor with little stubborn Olivia for 3 days! Olivia made her grand entrance on December 23rd (FINALLY) Our journeys began.

Everyone knows on December 30th Parker lost his fight and went to heaven. Katie has been there for me when all I wanted to do was cry or whine about how life isn't fair. She gets me and I get her. We aren't afraid to say how we really feel to each other, because we know we won't be judged.

At first Olivia was being a little rock star and sailing through recovery. She got to go home for a short time and then was readmitted into the hospital. She has been fighting for her life ever since. Katie tells me everyday exactly how she feels and I'm there for her. I listen to her complain and cry and whine about how life isn't fair and she just wants to take her baby home. I get it, I understand her and I listen. I try to cheer her up the best I can. My heart hurts for Katie that she hasnt got to take her home and spend all this time with her! I hurt every night when she tells me she's headed to the Ronald McDonald House and I know her heart is so heavy because she's leaving her baby for the night.

Adam and I love Olivia like she is our very own child. We feel like Parker lives on through her. I want to watch Olivia grow up because I know that every milestone that she hits, Parker would of been hitting them too. One day when she gets home and starts rolling over or crawling, I will imagine Parker doing the same things and smile. When she is eating her 1st birthday cake with icing smeared all over her face I will imagine Parker eating his and I will laugh.

Olivia,
It is very important to me and your mommy for you to get all better! I love you even though I've never met you. I know that Parker is watching over you and making sure that you keep up your fight. Keep on fighting so that I can keep getting these cute pictures on my phone everyday that make me smile! I cant wait to meet you in person so I can hold you and give you kisses!

Katie,
Thank you for being an awesome friend. I honestly don't know how I could of done this without you. You are an amazing mommy, and you are way stronger than you give yourself credit for. I wish that our babies could of grown up together but since thats not the way it turned out, thank you for letting me be a part of Olivia's life. She is a very special little girl and I will always love her!

Look at this little doll, how could you not love her!

The house that was once a home

At only 19 years old Adam and I were searching for a house to buy and make it our home. We were going to get married in June of 2005 and wanted to make the big step of buying a house together before we walked down the aisle. We searched for what seemed like forever for a house that was perfect for us. We decided on a 4 bedroom house because we both knew that we wanted at least 2 children. As we were walking through the house the first time we talked about our plans for the future. How the bedroom right next to ours would be the nursery and how when our child got older we could move him or her down the hallway to a bigger bedroom. How we liked that all of the bedrooms were upstairs so if we had company they wouldn't see the mess of the kids bedrooms and toys. How the yard was large and would be perfect for our children to have plenty of room to play outside. We fell in love with the house and made an offer. Only 2 weeks later we were signing on the dotted line and moving in. We had a home!

We lived in our home for 5 years before our dreams came true. We were FINALLY going to have a family to raise in our home. I am one of those people that day dream about how I want things to be. I have often stood at my kitchen sink doing dishes with a smile on my face as I dream about listening to my children upstairs arguing over a toy, or 2 sisters fighting over clothes or shoes. I would imagine cooking dinner and watching my kids play out the window from the kitchen. I would giggle at the thought of making them eat their vegetables before they could get up from the table and go back outside to play. Now only 10 months later my dreams are crushed. Everything is now what could of been or should of been. My dreams are filled with sadness and  heartache.

Some would argue that things are the same as before we had Parker. We have the same routine, same house, same empty bedrooms. Things are not the same! This house feels larger than before, it feels quieter than before and it feels so much emptier than before. I often sit in silence when my husband is at work and listen for the cries of my baby boy, I hear nothing but cries that are coming from deep inside my heart. I walk around my house like its the first time Ive seen it. I feel like a stranger in my own home. This was the home that we were supposed to raise our babies in and I don't feel like I belong here. I hope one day it will be different but until then its a big, quiet, empty house with 2 strangers living here dreaming of the day that this becomes our home again.

In Memory of Parker

This is a poem that I wrote in honor of my son.

Raise awareness, but what for?
Congenital Heart Defects, need I say more.

Its endless nights of tears as you wait for him to be born,
Its getting that first glimpse of him as they rush him away
Your heart is so torn.

You wait so long to hold him but you know that when you do,
It will not be the way you want because of all the wires and tubes.

They take him away for surgery you feel so helpless deep inside,
You get on your knees and you pray for God to keep your son alive.

The surgeon comes out to tell you that things didn't go as planned,
Its time for you to see him, Its time to hold his hand.

Your eyes fill up with tears but you know you have to be strong,
You have to let your baby know that he did nothing wrong.

You hold him and you kiss him and tell him its okay,
You tell him that you love him, but understand he can not stay.

He opens his eyes to look at you, you know the time is near,
You suddenly realize that this was your worst fear.

Now fast forward one month later and the pain is still there,
You are trying your hardest to make the world aware.

If you think this will not happen to people just like you,
I can tell you very different. Very sad but very true.

40,000 more children will be born affected this year,
4,000 wont live till their 1st birthday, a parents worst fear.

CHD research is grossly underfunded,
Please help me raise awareness this affects 1 in 100.

As a heart mother we ask for you to spread the word,
All that we ask is for our voices to be heard!

One month in heaven

Yesterday marked one month since Parkers death. To say that I miss him is an understatement. My heart physically hurts like it has been ripped out of my chest. I guess since half of my heart is in heaven, then it is to be expected. This past month I have been through the most difficult things that any person could ever go through but Im still here, Im still breathing, I am surviving the unimaginable.


Today I had my six week checkup, Ive been dreading this day for weeks now. Having to go to your six week postpartum checkup without a baby is like living a nightmare. It marks the end of this pregnancy, I feel like this chapter of my life is over. My first pregnancy, my first baby all gone forever. I cried a lot of tears while talking with the doctor today. We talked about the day Parker was born and his first Christmas. We talked about how he fought so hard for all of his eleven days and made his mommy and daddy so proud. We talked about his funeral and how Ive dealt with everything since then. It felt so good just to have someone to listen. She didnt try to understand how I felt, she just listened and was there for me to let it all out.


My doctor today talked a lot about support groups and counseling. I told her about my wonderful support group that I have found online! She was so happy that there are so many others willing to help. I am so proud of my heart family online, I am so glad to know Im not walking this horrible road alone. I love every single one of you in a very special way! I know Ive said it before but thanks again to each and everyone of you for all of the comments, emails, phone calls, text messages it helps me to get through every single day.

To my sweet Parker,
Its been one whole month without you. I havent touched you or seen you, mommy misses you! I hope that you know how much me and your daddy love you. We talk about you every day and we snuggle with your blankets and your Build-a-Bear every night. We would give anything to have you here to snuggle with instead. Someday we will snuggle with you again Parker, that is my promise to you. I love you more than I ever thought possible

One month ago today

One month ago today I woke up around 5:30 am not feeling quite right. I waited around all day thinking I was just not feeling well. Finally around 3:30 we went to the hospital. Within an hour they were getting me prepped for the arrival of Parker. At 6:07 pm he made his grand entrance. Weighing in at 6 pound 1 ounce and 20 inches long.

Fast forward a month. Parker is still the same size as he was at birth. He hasn't grown, he hasn't cried, he hasn't gazed at his mommy or daddy while we rock him to sleep. Reality is my baby is gone. Sometimes it hits me like a brick wall. Not that I don't think about it 24/7 but sometimes I do smile and am "okay" Other times I am buried in my husbands chest sobbing hysterically.

I sit and wonder often about what Parker would be doing right at this moment. But truth is I don't know what he would be doing, I don't know what babies do at one month old. You see this was my first time around. I am a childless mother. My husband is a childless father.We will never experience milestones with Parker. He will always be an 11 day old baby to us. We don't know anything after that.

Someone asked me today if I ever wish this would of never happened. If I wish that I would of never got pregnant. I didn't even think twice before I answered NO! I would relive every single tear, fear, worry all over again. I would sit in that hospital just watching my baby, not being able to hold him all over again. I would recover from my cesarean all over again. They were not only the scariest and most stressful days of my life but they were also the BEST days of my life and I would live it one hundred times over!

Happy one month birthday Parker. Mommy and Daddy love and miss you so so much!

Working through the feelings of grief

I am learning very quickly that everyday is a brand new challenge. Grief is different every single day. Sundays are always hard for me because its the day that Parker was born. Yesterday he would of been 3 weeks old. I had a rough day yesterday, the smallest things were setting me into a frenzy of tears for no apparent reason.

Smells....There are certain things that remind me of our time in St. Louis while Parker was still here. Yesterday I was in the shower and went to use my conditioner. For some reason that smell set me off. I cried and cried while trying to rinse it out of my hair. Then came the body wash. The tears started again. I got out of the shower and started to dry off when all of a sudden it hit me. My belly was gone. I could wrap the towel around me and it would stay. I didnt have my big pregnant belly sticking out to make it difficult for the towel to fit.

Most women would be happy that they could fit back into their prepregnancy jeans only 3 weeks after giving birth. But I hate that they fit. I hate that my belly is gone. I hate that people around me dont know that I just had a baby unless they know of my situation. There is no evidence left. I dont have a baby in his car seat that is screaming because he is hungry. I dont have spit up all over my shirt. I dont have dark circles under my eyes because I was up all night trying to comfort my sweet Parker. I have dark circles because I cant sleep at night from missing him. I honestly feel like a train wreck.

Another part of grief that I am dealing with is guilt. I feel guilt for everything! I feel like Ive let my husband down because I couldn't give him his "perfect" first born. I feel guilt because my husband is hurting so bad and I cant fix it. I feel guilt when I cry out to my husband because I know he is hurting just as bad as I am. I feel like I failed as a mother because I couldn't fix my son. I couldn't care for him like he needed. I feel guilt because I didn't stay with him more time than I did while he was still alive and in the hospital. I feel guilt because I couldn't  hold him all of his eleven days and show him that I was trying my hardest to make his heart work. I feel guilt that I didn't kiss him or touch him or hold him one more time. I also feel guilt for others around me. I hate that I have to bring everyone down around me. I put them in uncomfortable situations when I'm around. I feel guilty if I actually get up and around to shower, because I feel like I should be laying in bed with the lights off crying all day. I feel guilty when I don't cry. Oh the guilt! I just cant get over all the feelings.

I am holding out hope that maybe someday I wont feel this way. Someday I wont hurt this bad. Someday I will find comfort that my baby isn't suffering any longer. Right now its just too much to comprehend.

The things a parent should never have to do...

Over the last few weeks I have endured some of the most painful things that no person should have to go through. This is just a little glimpse into the reality of being a heartmom/child loss survivor....

I gave birth to a precious little boy only seventeen days ago and didnt even get to see or touch him until seven hours later.

In order to see my son I had to ask permission.

In order to touch my son I had to find a place on his body that wasnt covered by a tube or wire.

I got discharged from the hospital and had to leave with empty arms because my son was still admitted.

I had to leave my son every night in the care of the nurses because I wasnt good enough to take care of his needs.

I had to listen to doctors tell me that there wasnt much hope for my son.

I had to answer the phone in the middle of the night and be told that my son couldnt hold on much longer, please come hold him.

I had to hear the words of the doctors tell me that my sons kidneys were failing him and I needed to make a decision quick.

I had to tell the nurses just to let him rest.

I had to listen to my husband say, "Im ready for the tubes to come out"

I had to hold my son and cry over him while he left this earth and went to heaven.

I had to go to the funeral home and make arrangements for my sons funeral.

I had to go to Babies R Us and pick out an outfit for my son to wear to his funeral.

I had to go pick out something for my husband and I to wear to our sons funeral.

I had to go pick out a flower arrangement for sons casket.

I had to go "view" my babys body.

I had to attend his visitation.

I had to attend his funeral.

Now its all over and I feel this great sense of now what? I feel like life just goes on around me and Im left to try and figure it all out. I cant understand why I dont have my baby here with me to feed and bathe and love on. I know I will never understand and it hurts. I would give my life just to hold him one more time. Just to kiss him one more time. I never heard Parker cry...I know it would be music to my ears. I miss him so much.

Heart defects are such an UGLY thing! I hate them! I hope to continue to spread the word about this terrible thing we call a CHD! I hope to someday make a difference.

I know that along this journey I have met some amazing women that have helped me in so many ways. I hope to someday give the same support to another new heart mom. Thanks to everyone that has been there for me, answered all of my questions, listened to me cry, whine, scream. You name it Ive done it and I know I couldnt have without this great community of other mothers whom have traveled this road before.

Parker Ive said it a thousand times and Im sure I will say it a thousand more...you have changed us FOREVER! You may not be here physically but I know you are watching over us. I love you son forever and ever. Thank you for fighting so hard just to give us eleven days with you, they will always be the best days of my life.