Monday, April 25, 2011

A few rough days

This last week has been rough to say the least. The 19th Parker would of been 4 months old. Oh what I would give to see his smile. On the 23rd marked 1 year that we found out that we were expecting our sweet little guy. Little did we know how special he would be. Easter...I was just not feeling it. There was just nothing for me to celebrate. I didn't want to even get out of bed let alone watch little kids get to enjoy their Easter baskets and hunt for Easter eggs.

Yesterday was so emotionally exhausting so I was going to take a nap. Around 830 pm Katie sent me a text message and told me that Olivia was having a rough time and she thought this was "it" I waited and waited for the news to hear that everything was ok and she was just giving us another little scare, for those of you that know Olivia shes pretty good at that. Then came the news that I didn't want to hear...from Katies facebook wall "Chris and I have a beautiful sassy diva in heaven" I screamed NOOOO this couldn't be happening. Adam and I sat on the couch holding each other and crying for Katie and Chris. Not that any of the babies we lose in this community are easy but this one is HARD. Many of you know how close Katie and I are. I love that girl with all of my heart. I've never met Olivia and I already miss her. Almost everyday I would get a picture of her sent to my phone. All those cute little outfits and shoes....she loved shoes just like her Aunt Heather....Im gonna miss you Olive juice.

I spoke with Katie last night....A couple of weeks ago I sent Olivia an Easter basket with lots of little goodies. Katie told me that her and Chris got to give Olivia her last bath and dress her one last time. Katie dressed her in the outfit that I sent her in her Easter basket. It made me cry and smile all at the same time. It meant so much to me. I am so glad that she got to wear her little Easter dress and I know it looked beautiful on her!

Olivia and Parker were born 4 days apart, little angels. They both weighed 6 lb 1 oz. Olivia was 20 inches long and Parker was 19 inches long. Katie and I have a birthday less than a week apart. Parker and Olivia were our first babies. I don't know but I think we were meant to meet each other. I know that we were meant to be each others support. We have tooooo many things in common for this not to of happened for a reason. We dont understand it and probably never will but I just keep believing that she was put into my life for a reason.I cant wait to meet her, hopefully very soon!

Dear Parker,
You finally get to meet Olivia, isn't she beautiful? I hope that you 2 will play nice and watch over all of us. Even though we wanted to introduce you 2 little munchkins here on earth and watch you grow up, I know that you have met in heaven and are free of pain. We all miss you babies so much, please stay close to us as we are still struggling everyday. Please especially watch over Olivia's mommy and daddy these next few weeks they are going to need you 2.

Kisses, kisses and more kisses... I love you Parker and Olivia!

There is now a little monkey and a little owl in heaven...I can imagine all the trees you 2 have already climbed! Have fun, be good, and come visit us every once in awhile....

Please keep Katie and Chris in your thoughts and prayers as they lay their little angel to rest.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

All the should haves

Back when I was pregnant with Parker I struggled a lot with getting ready for him. I didn't want to buy anything for him or have a nursery ready for him. My biggest fear was coming home from the hospital without him and having his room all set up. I didn't have a baby shower or anything, I was too scared of what might happen. If I could go back in time and change my own mind then I would get prepared for him. I was so wrong in thinking that coming home to an empty nursery would be my worst nightmare.

Even though I didn't have a nursery set up for Parker and all the things that he would need. I still collected plenty of things while we were in the hospital thanks to all the people that donated goodies to the families that were in the hospital. We came home with a car load of stuff for Parker. Some of it is still in the back of the car because we haven't unloaded it. Its just something that I don't want to do, or feel like I'm ready to do. Everyday I think of Parker and still cry for him. I walk by his "should of been" nursery and my heart still aches. Even though its not all set up and doesn't have a crib or dresser or changing table its still his room.

My point is, no matter if we set up that room and filled it with a bunch of baby things my heart still aches for him. Not having a nursery hasn't made my grief any less. Coming home from the hospital to a nursery and baby things wasn't my worst nightmare like I thought it would of been. Coming home from the hospital without my baby was my worst nightmare and nursery or no nursery I still hurt the same. I still have reminders of him in everything I do or see.

I just wish that I had more memories of him. I sit and wonder what theme his room would of been in. What the theme of my baby shower would of been. The memories me and my husband could of made while painting his room and buying the crib and bedding set. I feel like I gave up on him long before he was born and that wasn't fair for me to do. I hope that Parker knows that I loved him and wanted him to come home with me more than anything, even though I didn't even have a crib or anything for him.

I only have two things that I ever bought for my son. A few weeks before he was born Adam and I went to Babies R Us and picked out one outfit for him, the outfit that we dressed him in the night he passed away. The only other thing that we bought for him was a Build A Bear the day after Christmas. It hurts that I didn't get more involved in preparing for him because I don't have those memories.

I know I can't live the rest of my life regretting every decision I made but sometimes it's the only thing I know to do. I hope that someone reads this that is expecting a heart baby or any sick baby for that matter. I just want you to know that memories made will be treasured forever. Take every opportunity you have making memories with your baby. You don't know how many days you will have with your child, whether it be 11 days like in my case or 11 years, the only thing you have left is the memories. Make lots of them!