Thursday, June 9, 2011

Confessions of an Angel Mommy

There is a video going around on facebook called Confessions of a Grieving Parent. I can relate to a bunch of the things that it says in the video so I decided I wanted to "confess" a few things about myself as a grieving parent...

I cry in the shower because its the only place I feel "safe" from others seeing me.

Sometimes I will force myself to stay awake later than Adam so that I can cry myself to sleep without bothering him.

Just because I smile doesnt mean that I am "ok" now because truth is, I will never be "ok" and dont want to be!

Being around other children is EXTREMELY hard, seeing them do normal kid things like getting popsicle all over their face or splashing in a bathtub just reminds me of what I will never have!

Hearing another baby cry makes me want to puke, I never got to hear my baby cry, not one single time. I am sure it would of been music to my ears!

When I go to Walmart I always walk through the baby section and touch all the little boy clothes and open the baby lotion and baby wash just to smell it. (crazy I know)

I go days without a shower and rarely shave my legs because I dont feel like I deserve to feel sexy.

I rarely put on makeup, dress up or fix my hair anymore because I dont feel pretty so whats the use?

When people tell me "I dont know how you do it, I couldnt do what you do" honestly....I want to punch them in the face....what choice do I freaking have? Do you think I wanted to do this? Do you think that I thought I could do this? NO but I do it because this is the hand in life I was dealt.

Dont tell me that you understand how I feel because you have lost a spouse, brother, sister, aunt or uncle...I lost my CHILD its not the same!

When I see pictures of a "normal" birth I want to scream at the top of my lungs because I didnt get that "normal" in fact I didnt see my son for the very first time until 7 hours after he was born. And didnt get to hold him until he was 8 days old

I feel like I will lose my husband at any minute because we dont have anything (children) to keep him from wanting to leave me.

Every time I feel a little sick or a pain I automatically think that I have some deadly virus and am going to die. The day after Parker died I was in the emergency room because I was convinced I was dieing. The next week I was at the doctor because I was convinced I had a staph infection, the week after that I was calling the birthing unit at our local hospital because I was convinced that my csection had went wrong and I was going to bleed to death.

I am terrified of having another child because I cant imagine what it would feel like to lose another one.

Soon after Parker died I would hold his little bear that we bought him like it was a baby just so my arms didnt feel so empty.

Sometimes I will touch his pictures just hoping that I will remember what the touch of his skin felt like.

I avoid going around family because I feel so guilty that I couldnt give them the perfect grandchild that they have always wanted me to have.

Sometimes I am so scared to be alone but feel like a burden if I ask someone to come sit with me.

I dont feel like I fit in anywhere, like I make everyone feel awkward because they dont know what to say to me without making me cry.

I feel like everyone around me is judging me for things I do or dont do.

Time will not heal my heart, I lost my child, things will never be the same!

These are just some of my personal feelings and from talking with other angel moms I understand that its completely normal. No matter what anyone says or does I am still going to feel this way, maybe things will get better, who knows, but my heart will never be whole!

I miss you baby boy, almost 6 months old...I honestly dont know how Ive made it this far. I just want to be in heaven holding you. I am so sorry that mommy wasnt enough to make you all better. Thats what hurts me the most. I am supposed to fix your boo-boos and make sure you get all better and I wasnt good enough to do that. I tried Parker I would of given you my heart if I could have. There isnt one second of any day that goes by that you arent in my mind. I miss you more and more! I cant understand why you had to be taken away from us! Please come visit us Parker in any way that you can, in a dream, a sign, something, I just miss you!

The one and only time I got to see my baby with his eyes open