All the should haves

Back when I was pregnant with Parker I struggled a lot with getting ready for him. I didn't want to buy anything for him or have a nursery ready for him. My biggest fear was coming home from the hospital without him and having his room all set up. I didn't have a baby shower or anything, I was too scared of what might happen. If I could go back in time and change my own mind then I would get prepared for him. I was so wrong in thinking that coming home to an empty nursery would be my worst nightmare.

Even though I didn't have a nursery set up for Parker and all the things that he would need. I still collected plenty of things while we were in the hospital thanks to all the people that donated goodies to the families that were in the hospital. We came home with a car load of stuff for Parker. Some of it is still in the back of the car because we haven't unloaded it. Its just something that I don't want to do, or feel like I'm ready to do. Everyday I think of Parker and still cry for him. I walk by his "should of been" nursery and my heart still aches. Even though its not all set up and doesn't have a crib or dresser or changing table its still his room.

My point is, no matter if we set up that room and filled it with a bunch of baby things my heart still aches for him. Not having a nursery hasn't made my grief any less. Coming home from the hospital to a nursery and baby things wasn't my worst nightmare like I thought it would of been. Coming home from the hospital without my baby was my worst nightmare and nursery or no nursery I still hurt the same. I still have reminders of him in everything I do or see.

I just wish that I had more memories of him. I sit and wonder what theme his room would of been in. What the theme of my baby shower would of been. The memories me and my husband could of made while painting his room and buying the crib and bedding set. I feel like I gave up on him long before he was born and that wasn't fair for me to do. I hope that Parker knows that I loved him and wanted him to come home with me more than anything, even though I didn't even have a crib or anything for him.

I only have two things that I ever bought for my son. A few weeks before he was born Adam and I went to Babies R Us and picked out one outfit for him, the outfit that we dressed him in the night he passed away. The only other thing that we bought for him was a Build A Bear the day after Christmas. It hurts that I didn't get more involved in preparing for him because I don't have those memories.

I know I can't live the rest of my life regretting every decision I made but sometimes it's the only thing I know to do. I hope that someone reads this that is expecting a heart baby or any sick baby for that matter. I just want you to know that memories made will be treasured forever. Take every opportunity you have making memories with your baby. You don't know how many days you will have with your child, whether it be 11 days like in my case or 11 years, the only thing you have left is the memories. Make lots of them!