Thursday, April 7, 2011

All the should haves

Back when I was pregnant with Parker I struggled a lot with getting ready for him. I didn't want to buy anything for him or have a nursery ready for him. My biggest fear was coming home from the hospital without him and having his room all set up. I didn't have a baby shower or anything, I was too scared of what might happen. If I could go back in time and change my own mind then I would get prepared for him. I was so wrong in thinking that coming home to an empty nursery would be my worst nightmare.

Even though I didn't have a nursery set up for Parker and all the things that he would need. I still collected plenty of things while we were in the hospital thanks to all the people that donated goodies to the families that were in the hospital. We came home with a car load of stuff for Parker. Some of it is still in the back of the car because we haven't unloaded it. Its just something that I don't want to do, or feel like I'm ready to do. Everyday I think of Parker and still cry for him. I walk by his "should of been" nursery and my heart still aches. Even though its not all set up and doesn't have a crib or dresser or changing table its still his room.

My point is, no matter if we set up that room and filled it with a bunch of baby things my heart still aches for him. Not having a nursery hasn't made my grief any less. Coming home from the hospital to a nursery and baby things wasn't my worst nightmare like I thought it would of been. Coming home from the hospital without my baby was my worst nightmare and nursery or no nursery I still hurt the same. I still have reminders of him in everything I do or see.

I just wish that I had more memories of him. I sit and wonder what theme his room would of been in. What the theme of my baby shower would of been. The memories me and my husband could of made while painting his room and buying the crib and bedding set. I feel like I gave up on him long before he was born and that wasn't fair for me to do. I hope that Parker knows that I loved him and wanted him to come home with me more than anything, even though I didn't even have a crib or anything for him.

I only have two things that I ever bought for my son. A few weeks before he was born Adam and I went to Babies R Us and picked out one outfit for him, the outfit that we dressed him in the night he passed away. The only other thing that we bought for him was a Build A Bear the day after Christmas. It hurts that I didn't get more involved in preparing for him because I don't have those memories.

I know I can't live the rest of my life regretting every decision I made but sometimes it's the only thing I know to do. I hope that someone reads this that is expecting a heart baby or any sick baby for that matter. I just want you to know that memories made will be treasured forever. Take every opportunity you have making memories with your baby. You don't know how many days you will have with your child, whether it be 11 days like in my case or 11 years, the only thing you have left is the memories. Make lots of them!


  1. Parker knows how much he is loved, I have no doubt.

  2. Heather:Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and Adam's pain.It has to do with having my grandkids around me I guess.but I believe that someday...that nursery will be filled with laughter and good memories..we have faith in that.Family who has to go through that have got to be the strongest ever..I can't even imagine ...but just trust that someday you will have the opportunity to have memories..We love you guys..

  3. Heather,my heart aches for you as I grieve with you from afar...
    You wrote that you hope a future heart mommy reads this, and I have. I'm sure I will benefit from this way in which you have generously shared such deeply felt emotions. Thank you.
    Many blessings,

  4. Oh Heather, how my heart just breaks reading this! Praying for you!

  5. Parker knows the great love you have for him, and it will never fade. I know the fear- I left all the tags on his clothes, just washed a few blankets. We didn't have a carseat for him when he was born, we knew we would have plenty of time before he could come home and use it. I know it's hard, but don't regret too were dealing with it all the best you knew how, and you are a great mom!!! Hugs.

  6. I love reading the honesty and emotion in your posts, Heather. I know you struggled with decorating pre-delivery. Each of us struggles with this - to prepare or not to prepare? Thank you for sharing your feelings and helping newly diagnosed moms to know they are not alone and that decorating the nursery is ok. Zoe's nursery is STILL not complete as I was always afraid, and many days, still am. Love to you and Adam. Parker is loved, always.

  7. Heather~ I am so sorry that he is not with you, he should be, you should be making memories each day with him..but I do know that no matter what you did or did not do, you will always wander if it was the right thing.. If you would have had the nursery, you would have thought it was easier if you hadn't.. for instance, when we took Ella to the hospital the last time, I didn't take her diaper bag, I took nothing except her. I refused to have anything. when we left after she passed, I literally had nothing, empty arms, nothing to hold on to.. I think how I should have just taken the stupid diaper bag, because surely it would have helped to have something right? it sounds small and so petty, but I think our instinct is to do whatever 'makes it easier to deal with' and the cold hard truth is, nothing helps, I would have felt the way I did with or without the diaper bag. You would feel this way with or without the nursery or tons of stuff. You did what you and Adam thought was right at the time. You did your best with the horrible situation you were in. Parker knew you and Adam loved him and that is all that matters <3 You are a great mom, that is very obvious! ((hugs))

  8. This made me oh so sad. I have to admit, I do cling to those memories of getting ready. I wish I had words to make it all better, all I can do is offer love and support.

  9. Think of you guys often and praying for you. Love and hugs.