Yesterday marked one month since Parkers death. To say that I miss him is an understatement. My heart physically hurts like it has been ripped out of my chest. I guess since half of my heart is in heaven, then it is to be expected. This past month I have been through the most difficult things that any person could ever go through but Im still here, Im still breathing, I am surviving the unimaginable.
Today I had my six week checkup, Ive been dreading this day for weeks now. Having to go to your six week postpartum checkup without a baby is like living a nightmare. It marks the end of this pregnancy, I feel like this chapter of my life is over. My first pregnancy, my first baby all gone forever. I cried a lot of tears while talking with the doctor today. We talked about the day Parker was born and his first Christmas. We talked about how he fought so hard for all of his eleven days and made his mommy and daddy so proud. We talked about his funeral and how Ive dealt with everything since then. It felt so good just to have someone to listen. She didnt try to understand how I felt, she just listened and was there for me to let it all out.
My doctor today talked a lot about support groups and counseling. I told her about my wonderful support group that I have found online! She was so happy that there are so many others willing to help. I am so proud of my heart family online, I am so glad to know Im not walking this horrible road alone. I love every single one of you in a very special way! I know Ive said it before but thanks again to each and everyone of you for all of the comments, emails, phone calls, text messages it helps me to get through every single day.
To my sweet Parker,
Its been one whole month without you. I havent touched you or seen you, mommy misses you! I hope that you know how much me and your daddy love you. We talk about you every day and we snuggle with your blankets and your Build-a-Bear every night. We would give anything to have you here to snuggle with instead. Someday we will snuggle with you again Parker, that is my promise to you. I love you more than I ever thought possible