I am learning very quickly that everyday is a brand new challenge. Grief is different every single day. Sundays are always hard for me because its the day that Parker was born. Yesterday he would of been 3 weeks old. I had a rough day yesterday, the smallest things were setting me into a frenzy of tears for no apparent reason.
Smells....There are certain things that remind me of our time in St. Louis while Parker was still here. Yesterday I was in the shower and went to use my conditioner. For some reason that smell set me off. I cried and cried while trying to rinse it out of my hair. Then came the body wash. The tears started again. I got out of the shower and started to dry off when all of a sudden it hit me. My belly was gone. I could wrap the towel around me and it would stay. I didnt have my big pregnant belly sticking out to make it difficult for the towel to fit.
Most women would be happy that they could fit back into their prepregnancy jeans only 3 weeks after giving birth. But I hate that they fit. I hate that my belly is gone. I hate that people around me dont know that I just had a baby unless they know of my situation. There is no evidence left. I dont have a baby in his car seat that is screaming because he is hungry. I dont have spit up all over my shirt. I dont have dark circles under my eyes because I was up all night trying to comfort my sweet Parker. I have dark circles because I cant sleep at night from missing him. I honestly feel like a train wreck.
Another part of grief that I am dealing with is guilt. I feel guilt for everything! I feel like Ive let my husband down because I couldn't give him his "perfect" first born. I feel guilt because my husband is hurting so bad and I cant fix it. I feel guilt when I cry out to my husband because I know he is hurting just as bad as I am. I feel like I failed as a mother because I couldn't fix my son. I couldn't care for him like he needed. I feel guilt because I didn't stay with him more time than I did while he was still alive and in the hospital. I feel guilt because I couldn't hold him all of his eleven days and show him that I was trying my hardest to make his heart work. I feel guilt that I didn't kiss him or touch him or hold him one more time. I also feel guilt for others around me. I hate that I have to bring everyone down around me. I put them in uncomfortable situations when I'm around. I feel guilty if I actually get up and around to shower, because I feel like I should be laying in bed with the lights off crying all day. I feel guilty when I don't cry. Oh the guilt! I just cant get over all the feelings.
I am holding out hope that maybe someday I wont feel this way. Someday I wont hurt this bad. Someday I will find comfort that my baby isn't suffering any longer. Right now its just too much to comprehend.