Monday, January 10, 2011

Working through the feelings of grief

I am learning very quickly that everyday is a brand new challenge. Grief is different every single day. Sundays are always hard for me because its the day that Parker was born. Yesterday he would of been 3 weeks old. I had a rough day yesterday, the smallest things were setting me into a frenzy of tears for no apparent reason.

Smells....There are certain things that remind me of our time in St. Louis while Parker was still here. Yesterday I was in the shower and went to use my conditioner. For some reason that smell set me off. I cried and cried while trying to rinse it out of my hair. Then came the body wash. The tears started again. I got out of the shower and started to dry off when all of a sudden it hit me. My belly was gone. I could wrap the towel around me and it would stay. I didnt have my big pregnant belly sticking out to make it difficult for the towel to fit.

Most women would be happy that they could fit back into their prepregnancy jeans only 3 weeks after giving birth. But I hate that they fit. I hate that my belly is gone. I hate that people around me dont know that I just had a baby unless they know of my situation. There is no evidence left. I dont have a baby in his car seat that is screaming because he is hungry. I dont have spit up all over my shirt. I dont have dark circles under my eyes because I was up all night trying to comfort my sweet Parker. I have dark circles because I cant sleep at night from missing him. I honestly feel like a train wreck.

Another part of grief that I am dealing with is guilt. I feel guilt for everything! I feel like Ive let my husband down because I couldn't give him his "perfect" first born. I feel guilt because my husband is hurting so bad and I cant fix it. I feel guilt when I cry out to my husband because I know he is hurting just as bad as I am. I feel like I failed as a mother because I couldn't fix my son. I couldn't care for him like he needed. I feel guilt because I didn't stay with him more time than I did while he was still alive and in the hospital. I feel guilt because I couldn't  hold him all of his eleven days and show him that I was trying my hardest to make his heart work. I feel guilt that I didn't kiss him or touch him or hold him one more time. I also feel guilt for others around me. I hate that I have to bring everyone down around me. I put them in uncomfortable situations when I'm around. I feel guilty if I actually get up and around to shower, because I feel like I should be laying in bed with the lights off crying all day. I feel guilty when I don't cry. Oh the guilt! I just cant get over all the feelings.

I am holding out hope that maybe someday I wont feel this way. Someday I wont hurt this bad. Someday I will find comfort that my baby isn't suffering any longer. Right now its just too much to comprehend.


  1. much love for you. <3

    If you ever need to get away and spend some time with someone who understands, my house is always open to you. I know when I went to meet Kirsten- just getting away and being with someone who had just been through it helped me immensly. Just keep that in mind if you ever need it.

  2. Heather reading your post I have tears pouring down my face and I am literally sick to my stomach for you. I am so so sorry for the loss of your son. I know there is nothing I can say to make this any easier for you- I wish that there was. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers ALWAYS.

  3. Thank you for sharing your raw emotions with us, those who love and support you and Adam. Please know that you're in our hearts and minds as you struggle through each day.

  4. Heather~ I am so sorry.. I wish there was something to do to help.. you will always miss him..always. I still have days 18 months later when it still seems like a nightmare..but most days are tolerable..I don't know that it gets easier, but you learn more on how to deal with the pain.. hugs.. if you need to talk, please feel free to call..xoxo

  5. I know these feelings all too well. I'm hoping that as time passes, your feelings of guilt will subside. There is nothing we could have done to have prevented the defects of our little angels. How I wish our sons were still here with us, and my heart is broken along with yours. Lots of hugs.

  6. My heart is broken, right alone with yours. No CHD road is a fun one to travel down. Being a heart parents, no matter a heart parent or angel parent is a difficult thing to handle. I feel your pain when you say you have guilt, I too feel guilty, but in a differnt way, each and every CHD baby is so different and choose different paths. Please know I am thinking about you and your family, hope you don't mind me following your blog??? xoxoxoxo Chrissie