Thursday, February 10, 2011

The house that was once a home

At only 19 years old Adam and I were searching for a house to buy and make it our home. We were going to get married in June of 2005 and wanted to make the big step of buying a house together before we walked down the aisle. We searched for what seemed like forever for a house that was perfect for us. We decided on a 4 bedroom house because we both knew that we wanted at least 2 children. As we were walking through the house the first time we talked about our plans for the future. How the bedroom right next to ours would be the nursery and how when our child got older we could move him or her down the hallway to a bigger bedroom. How we liked that all of the bedrooms were upstairs so if we had company they wouldn't see the mess of the kids bedrooms and toys. How the yard was large and would be perfect for our children to have plenty of room to play outside. We fell in love with the house and made an offer. Only 2 weeks later we were signing on the dotted line and moving in. We had a home!

We lived in our home for 5 years before our dreams came true. We were FINALLY going to have a family to raise in our home. I am one of those people that day dream about how I want things to be. I have often stood at my kitchen sink doing dishes with a smile on my face as I dream about listening to my children upstairs arguing over a toy, or 2 sisters fighting over clothes or shoes. I would imagine cooking dinner and watching my kids play out the window from the kitchen. I would giggle at the thought of making them eat their vegetables before they could get up from the table and go back outside to play. Now only 10 months later my dreams are crushed. Everything is now what could of been or should of been. My dreams are filled with sadness and  heartache.

Some would argue that things are the same as before we had Parker. We have the same routine, same house, same empty bedrooms. Things are not the same! This house feels larger than before, it feels quieter than before and it feels so much emptier than before. I often sit in silence when my husband is at work and listen for the cries of my baby boy, I hear nothing but cries that are coming from deep inside my heart. I walk around my house like its the first time Ive seen it. I feel like a stranger in my own home. This was the home that we were supposed to raise our babies in and I don't feel like I belong here. I hope one day it will be different but until then its a big, quiet, empty house with 2 strangers living here dreaming of the day that this becomes our home again.


  1. Heather,
    {{{HUG}}} If there is ANYTHING that I can do to take away some of the pain you are feeling I would gladly do it. I would bear the weight of the cross you are carrying as you journey through this grief. However, I know that there isn't a single thing that I can possibly do to fix the hole in your heart missing Parker. Praying for you today, and every day!

  2. Thank you. I will appreciate the loud bickering and laughing, the toys all over the floor and paint that's been peeled off the wall by my daughter more now. Thanks for the reality check perspective.

  3. Heather the pain you feel compares to nothing I've ever felt. I pray that someday your broken heart is the photo on your blog...mended not fixed. Parker will always have a spot on your heart that will never be healed until the day you go to heaven and hold your sweet baby once again. But I pray that while on this earth you are able to find joy once again in the simple things that now make you cray, that you will be able to laugh without feeling guilty, that you will be able to hold a child of your own and someday tell it about it's older brother who will never be forgotten and always celebrated in your home. May you seek the peace that you need thru God and His holy word so that you will be able to walk the streets of gold and hold dear sweet Parker once again. I continue to pray for you and Adam all the time!