One month ago today

One month ago today I woke up around 5:30 am not feeling quite right. I waited around all day thinking I was just not feeling well. Finally around 3:30 we went to the hospital. Within an hour they were getting me prepped for the arrival of Parker. At 6:07 pm he made his grand entrance. Weighing in at 6 pound 1 ounce and 20 inches long.

Fast forward a month. Parker is still the same size as he was at birth. He hasn't grown, he hasn't cried, he hasn't gazed at his mommy or daddy while we rock him to sleep. Reality is my baby is gone. Sometimes it hits me like a brick wall. Not that I don't think about it 24/7 but sometimes I do smile and am "okay" Other times I am buried in my husbands chest sobbing hysterically.

I sit and wonder often about what Parker would be doing right at this moment. But truth is I don't know what he would be doing, I don't know what babies do at one month old. You see this was my first time around. I am a childless mother. My husband is a childless father.We will never experience milestones with Parker. He will always be an 11 day old baby to us. We don't know anything after that.

Someone asked me today if I ever wish this would of never happened. If I wish that I would of never got pregnant. I didn't even think twice before I answered NO! I would relive every single tear, fear, worry all over again. I would sit in that hospital just watching my baby, not being able to hold him all over again. I would recover from my cesarean all over again. They were not only the scariest and most stressful days of my life but they were also the BEST days of my life and I would live it one hundred times over!

Happy one month birthday Parker. Mommy and Daddy love and miss you so so much!