Wednesday, January 19, 2011

One month ago today

One month ago today I woke up around 5:30 am not feeling quite right. I waited around all day thinking I was just not feeling well. Finally around 3:30 we went to the hospital. Within an hour they were getting me prepped for the arrival of Parker. At 6:07 pm he made his grand entrance. Weighing in at 6 pound 1 ounce and 20 inches long.

Fast forward a month. Parker is still the same size as he was at birth. He hasn't grown, he hasn't cried, he hasn't gazed at his mommy or daddy while we rock him to sleep. Reality is my baby is gone. Sometimes it hits me like a brick wall. Not that I don't think about it 24/7 but sometimes I do smile and am "okay" Other times I am buried in my husbands chest sobbing hysterically.

I sit and wonder often about what Parker would be doing right at this moment. But truth is I don't know what he would be doing, I don't know what babies do at one month old. You see this was my first time around. I am a childless mother. My husband is a childless father.We will never experience milestones with Parker. He will always be an 11 day old baby to us. We don't know anything after that.

Someone asked me today if I ever wish this would of never happened. If I wish that I would of never got pregnant. I didn't even think twice before I answered NO! I would relive every single tear, fear, worry all over again. I would sit in that hospital just watching my baby, not being able to hold him all over again. I would recover from my cesarean all over again. They were not only the scariest and most stressful days of my life but they were also the BEST days of my life and I would live it one hundred times over!

Happy one month birthday Parker. Mommy and Daddy love and miss you so so much!


  1. <3 happy birthday sweet baby boy... and i hope you are having a good time in heaven.

    heather i love you girl and you know i think of your guys often hell i text all the time...

    hugs from all of us!

  2. Sweet Parker, happy one month. Glad you treated yourself today, Heather. I appreciate your honesty in this post. The "wish it'd never happened" question has come up many times over for me. Even in my own mind. My answer is always the same, just like yours. Love to you and Adam.

  3. Still praying for you both...Praying that peace and comfort find you on your journey...such a sweet boy.

  4. Heather,
    {{{HUG}}} Happy 1 month Parker! I know that you will send down extra angel kisses for Mommy tonight!

    Still praying for you Heather and thinking about you guys often!