Monday, January 31, 2011

One month in heaven

Yesterday marked one month since Parkers death. To say that I miss him is an understatement. My heart physically hurts like it has been ripped out of my chest. I guess since half of my heart is in heaven, then it is to be expected. This past month I have been through the most difficult things that any person could ever go through but Im still here, Im still breathing, I am surviving the unimaginable.

Today I had my six week checkup, Ive been dreading this day for weeks now. Having to go to your six week postpartum checkup without a baby is like living a nightmare. It marks the end of this pregnancy, I feel like this chapter of my life is over. My first pregnancy, my first baby all gone forever. I cried a lot of tears while talking with the doctor today. We talked about the day Parker was born and his first Christmas. We talked about how he fought so hard for all of his eleven days and made his mommy and daddy so proud. We talked about his funeral and how Ive dealt with everything since then. It felt so good just to have someone to listen. She didnt try to understand how I felt, she just listened and was there for me to let it all out.

My doctor today talked a lot about support groups and counseling. I told her about my wonderful support group that I have found online! She was so happy that there are so many others willing to help. I am so proud of my heart family online, I am so glad to know Im not walking this horrible road alone. I love every single one of you in a very special way! I know Ive said it before but thanks again to each and everyone of you for all of the comments, emails, phone calls, text messages it helps me to get through every single day.

To my sweet Parker,
Its been one whole month without you. I havent touched you or seen you, mommy misses you! I hope that you know how much me and your daddy love you. We talk about you every day and we snuggle with your blankets and your Build-a-Bear every night. We would give anything to have you here to snuggle with instead. Someday we will snuggle with you again Parker, that is my promise to you. I love you more than I ever thought possible

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

One month ago today

One month ago today I woke up around 5:30 am not feeling quite right. I waited around all day thinking I was just not feeling well. Finally around 3:30 we went to the hospital. Within an hour they were getting me prepped for the arrival of Parker. At 6:07 pm he made his grand entrance. Weighing in at 6 pound 1 ounce and 20 inches long.

Fast forward a month. Parker is still the same size as he was at birth. He hasn't grown, he hasn't cried, he hasn't gazed at his mommy or daddy while we rock him to sleep. Reality is my baby is gone. Sometimes it hits me like a brick wall. Not that I don't think about it 24/7 but sometimes I do smile and am "okay" Other times I am buried in my husbands chest sobbing hysterically.

I sit and wonder often about what Parker would be doing right at this moment. But truth is I don't know what he would be doing, I don't know what babies do at one month old. You see this was my first time around. I am a childless mother. My husband is a childless father.We will never experience milestones with Parker. He will always be an 11 day old baby to us. We don't know anything after that.

Someone asked me today if I ever wish this would of never happened. If I wish that I would of never got pregnant. I didn't even think twice before I answered NO! I would relive every single tear, fear, worry all over again. I would sit in that hospital just watching my baby, not being able to hold him all over again. I would recover from my cesarean all over again. They were not only the scariest and most stressful days of my life but they were also the BEST days of my life and I would live it one hundred times over!

Happy one month birthday Parker. Mommy and Daddy love and miss you so so much!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Working through the feelings of grief

I am learning very quickly that everyday is a brand new challenge. Grief is different every single day. Sundays are always hard for me because its the day that Parker was born. Yesterday he would of been 3 weeks old. I had a rough day yesterday, the smallest things were setting me into a frenzy of tears for no apparent reason.

Smells....There are certain things that remind me of our time in St. Louis while Parker was still here. Yesterday I was in the shower and went to use my conditioner. For some reason that smell set me off. I cried and cried while trying to rinse it out of my hair. Then came the body wash. The tears started again. I got out of the shower and started to dry off when all of a sudden it hit me. My belly was gone. I could wrap the towel around me and it would stay. I didnt have my big pregnant belly sticking out to make it difficult for the towel to fit.

Most women would be happy that they could fit back into their prepregnancy jeans only 3 weeks after giving birth. But I hate that they fit. I hate that my belly is gone. I hate that people around me dont know that I just had a baby unless they know of my situation. There is no evidence left. I dont have a baby in his car seat that is screaming because he is hungry. I dont have spit up all over my shirt. I dont have dark circles under my eyes because I was up all night trying to comfort my sweet Parker. I have dark circles because I cant sleep at night from missing him. I honestly feel like a train wreck.

Another part of grief that I am dealing with is guilt. I feel guilt for everything! I feel like Ive let my husband down because I couldn't give him his "perfect" first born. I feel guilt because my husband is hurting so bad and I cant fix it. I feel guilt when I cry out to my husband because I know he is hurting just as bad as I am. I feel like I failed as a mother because I couldn't fix my son. I couldn't care for him like he needed. I feel guilt because I didn't stay with him more time than I did while he was still alive and in the hospital. I feel guilt because I couldn't  hold him all of his eleven days and show him that I was trying my hardest to make his heart work. I feel guilt that I didn't kiss him or touch him or hold him one more time. I also feel guilt for others around me. I hate that I have to bring everyone down around me. I put them in uncomfortable situations when I'm around. I feel guilty if I actually get up and around to shower, because I feel like I should be laying in bed with the lights off crying all day. I feel guilty when I don't cry. Oh the guilt! I just cant get over all the feelings.

I am holding out hope that maybe someday I wont feel this way. Someday I wont hurt this bad. Someday I will find comfort that my baby isn't suffering any longer. Right now its just too much to comprehend.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The things a parent should never have to do...

Over the last few weeks I have endured some of the most painful things that no person should have to go through. This is just a little glimpse into the reality of being a heartmom/child loss survivor....

I gave birth to a precious little boy only seventeen days ago and didnt even get to see or touch him until seven hours later.

In order to see my son I had to ask permission.

In order to touch my son I had to find a place on his body that wasnt covered by a tube or wire.

I got discharged from the hospital and had to leave with empty arms because my son was still admitted.

I had to leave my son every night in the care of the nurses because I wasnt good enough to take care of his needs.

I had to listen to doctors tell me that there wasnt much hope for my son.

I had to answer the phone in the middle of the night and be told that my son couldnt hold on much longer, please come hold him.

I had to hear the words of the doctors tell me that my sons kidneys were failing him and I needed to make a decision quick.

I had to tell the nurses just to let him rest.

I had to listen to my husband say, "Im ready for the tubes to come out"

I had to hold my son and cry over him while he left this earth and went to heaven.

I had to go to the funeral home and make arrangements for my sons funeral.

I had to go to Babies R Us and pick out an outfit for my son to wear to his funeral.

I had to go pick out something for my husband and I to wear to our sons funeral.

I had to go pick out a flower arrangement for sons casket.

I had to go "view" my babys body.

I had to attend his visitation.

I had to attend his funeral.

Now its all over and I feel this great sense of now what? I feel like life just goes on around me and Im left to try and figure it all out. I cant understand why I dont have my baby here with me to feed and bathe and love on. I know I will never understand and it hurts. I would give my life just to hold him one more time. Just to kiss him one more time. I never heard Parker cry...I know it would be music to my ears. I miss him so much.

Heart defects are such an UGLY thing! I hate them! I hope to continue to spread the word about this terrible thing we call a CHD! I hope to someday make a difference.

I know that along this journey I have met some amazing women that have helped me in so many ways. I hope to someday give the same support to another new heart mom. Thanks to everyone that has been there for me, answered all of my questions, listened to me cry, whine, scream. You name it Ive done it and I know I couldnt have without this great community of other mothers whom have traveled this road before.

Parker Ive said it a thousand times and Im sure I will say it a thousand have changed us FOREVER! You may not be here physically but I know you are watching over us. I love you son forever and ever. Thank you for fighting so hard just to give us eleven days with you, they will always be the best days of my life.