Over the last few weeks I have endured some of the most painful things that no person should have to go through. This is just a little glimpse into the reality of being a heartmom/child loss survivor....
I gave birth to a precious little boy only seventeen days ago and didnt even get to see or touch him until seven hours later.
In order to see my son I had to ask permission.
In order to touch my son I had to find a place on his body that wasnt covered by a tube or wire.
I got discharged from the hospital and had to leave with empty arms because my son was still admitted.
I had to leave my son every night in the care of the nurses because I wasnt good enough to take care of his needs.
I had to listen to doctors tell me that there wasnt much hope for my son.
I had to answer the phone in the middle of the night and be told that my son couldnt hold on much longer, please come hold him.
I had to hear the words of the doctors tell me that my sons kidneys were failing him and I needed to make a decision quick.
I had to tell the nurses just to let him rest.
I had to listen to my husband say, "Im ready for the tubes to come out"
I had to hold my son and cry over him while he left this earth and went to heaven.
I had to go to the funeral home and make arrangements for my sons funeral.
I had to go to Babies R Us and pick out an outfit for my son to wear to his funeral.
I had to go pick out something for my husband and I to wear to our sons funeral.
I had to go pick out a flower arrangement for sons casket.
I had to go "view" my babys body.
I had to attend his visitation.
I had to attend his funeral.
Now its all over and I feel this great sense of now what? I feel like life just goes on around me and Im left to try and figure it all out. I cant understand why I dont have my baby here with me to feed and bathe and love on. I know I will never understand and it hurts. I would give my life just to hold him one more time. Just to kiss him one more time. I never heard Parker cry...I know it would be music to my ears. I miss him so much.
Heart defects are such an UGLY thing! I hate them! I hope to continue to spread the word about this terrible thing we call a CHD! I hope to someday make a difference.
I know that along this journey I have met some amazing women that have helped me in so many ways. I hope to someday give the same support to another new heart mom. Thanks to everyone that has been there for me, answered all of my questions, listened to me cry, whine, scream. You name it Ive done it and I know I couldnt have without this great community of other mothers whom have traveled this road before.
Parker Ive said it a thousand times and Im sure I will say it a thousand more...you have changed us FOREVER! You may not be here physically but I know you are watching over us. I love you son forever and ever. Thank you for fighting so hard just to give us eleven days with you, they will always be the best days of my life.