Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The things a parent should never have to do...

Over the last few weeks I have endured some of the most painful things that no person should have to go through. This is just a little glimpse into the reality of being a heartmom/child loss survivor....

I gave birth to a precious little boy only seventeen days ago and didnt even get to see or touch him until seven hours later.

In order to see my son I had to ask permission.

In order to touch my son I had to find a place on his body that wasnt covered by a tube or wire.

I got discharged from the hospital and had to leave with empty arms because my son was still admitted.

I had to leave my son every night in the care of the nurses because I wasnt good enough to take care of his needs.

I had to listen to doctors tell me that there wasnt much hope for my son.

I had to answer the phone in the middle of the night and be told that my son couldnt hold on much longer, please come hold him.

I had to hear the words of the doctors tell me that my sons kidneys were failing him and I needed to make a decision quick.

I had to tell the nurses just to let him rest.

I had to listen to my husband say, "Im ready for the tubes to come out"

I had to hold my son and cry over him while he left this earth and went to heaven.

I had to go to the funeral home and make arrangements for my sons funeral.

I had to go to Babies R Us and pick out an outfit for my son to wear to his funeral.

I had to go pick out something for my husband and I to wear to our sons funeral.

I had to go pick out a flower arrangement for sons casket.

I had to go "view" my babys body.

I had to attend his visitation.

I had to attend his funeral.

Now its all over and I feel this great sense of now what? I feel like life just goes on around me and Im left to try and figure it all out. I cant understand why I dont have my baby here with me to feed and bathe and love on. I know I will never understand and it hurts. I would give my life just to hold him one more time. Just to kiss him one more time. I never heard Parker cry...I know it would be music to my ears. I miss him so much.

Heart defects are such an UGLY thing! I hate them! I hope to continue to spread the word about this terrible thing we call a CHD! I hope to someday make a difference.

I know that along this journey I have met some amazing women that have helped me in so many ways. I hope to someday give the same support to another new heart mom. Thanks to everyone that has been there for me, answered all of my questions, listened to me cry, whine, scream. You name it Ive done it and I know I couldnt have without this great community of other mothers whom have traveled this road before.

Parker Ive said it a thousand times and Im sure I will say it a thousand more...you have changed us FOREVER! You may not be here physically but I know you are watching over us. I love you son forever and ever. Thank you for fighting so hard just to give us eleven days with you, they will always be the best days of my life.

13 comments:

  1. No words, just love...and tears.

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  2. Heather I am in tears reading this. My heart is broken for you. I am here if you ever need someone to listen. I may still have Jake but I went through an almost identicle path as you and know how hard it is. I wish to God I could bring Parker back to you. He will always own a piece of my heart and I will always be here if you need me. He is no longer in pain. Fly high baby boy and wrap your mommy and daddy with love. Heart hugs.

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  3. You are so right...no parent should EVER have to experience what you have gone through. It breaks my heart to read your post and the tears flow. I can't imagine how you feel and I hate to think of CHDs and their impact on all of our lives. You remain in my thoughts and prayers as you move through your grief.

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  4. Tears. Many, many tears reading this. Heather, I am heartbroken for you and so very sorry for your loss. Always here for you and praying as you now face a new world without sweet Parker.

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  5. I am so so sorry Heather. I can't stop crying reading this. It just isn't fair and you're so right.. heart defects are ugly. Please know you are in our thoughts and prayers.
    (((hugs))

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  6. If I could change one thing on earth it would be to prevent any parent from burying a child. There is no more painful haunting loss in my mind. I am so sorry for the loss of Parker but so admire your bravery to share your feelings with the rest of us. You have my thoughts and prayers.
    Lisa

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  7. <3 I agree no one should have to go through so much pain like this. I teared reading this. I know you dont know me but I have been following Parkers fight for a few months, and my heart breaks so hard for yall. I pray God gives yall strength and eases your pain. Parker will forever live in so many hearts.
    Ashley

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  8. Your are right...No parent should ever have to endure what you are going through...I hate CHD's for that. I am always praying for you...My heart aches for you...Peace be yours sweet friend.

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  9. My heart breaks with you. It's been 3 months since my Caleb earned his wings. Our stories are different, but we share the same pain. The loss of our son. Hugs to you, and praying for strength for the coming days.

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  10. Tears. You shouldn't have to go through this, no parent should even fear this happening and it's our everyday reality. I hope you and your husband can find the strength to get through this. Praying for your little angel and your family.

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  11. My heart is broken for you. Many, many prayers in the days, weeks, and months ahead.

    CHD is a beast. Someday. Someday we'll beat it!

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