Thursday, February 10, 2011

The house that was once a home

At only 19 years old Adam and I were searching for a house to buy and make it our home. We were going to get married in June of 2005 and wanted to make the big step of buying a house together before we walked down the aisle. We searched for what seemed like forever for a house that was perfect for us. We decided on a 4 bedroom house because we both knew that we wanted at least 2 children. As we were walking through the house the first time we talked about our plans for the future. How the bedroom right next to ours would be the nursery and how when our child got older we could move him or her down the hallway to a bigger bedroom. How we liked that all of the bedrooms were upstairs so if we had company they wouldn't see the mess of the kids bedrooms and toys. How the yard was large and would be perfect for our children to have plenty of room to play outside. We fell in love with the house and made an offer. Only 2 weeks later we were signing on the dotted line and moving in. We had a home!

We lived in our home for 5 years before our dreams came true. We were FINALLY going to have a family to raise in our home. I am one of those people that day dream about how I want things to be. I have often stood at my kitchen sink doing dishes with a smile on my face as I dream about listening to my children upstairs arguing over a toy, or 2 sisters fighting over clothes or shoes. I would imagine cooking dinner and watching my kids play out the window from the kitchen. I would giggle at the thought of making them eat their vegetables before they could get up from the table and go back outside to play. Now only 10 months later my dreams are crushed. Everything is now what could of been or should of been. My dreams are filled with sadness and  heartache.

Some would argue that things are the same as before we had Parker. We have the same routine, same house, same empty bedrooms. Things are not the same! This house feels larger than before, it feels quieter than before and it feels so much emptier than before. I often sit in silence when my husband is at work and listen for the cries of my baby boy, I hear nothing but cries that are coming from deep inside my heart. I walk around my house like its the first time Ive seen it. I feel like a stranger in my own home. This was the home that we were supposed to raise our babies in and I don't feel like I belong here. I hope one day it will be different but until then its a big, quiet, empty house with 2 strangers living here dreaming of the day that this becomes our home again.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

In Memory of Parker

This is a poem that I wrote in honor of my son.

Raise awareness, but what for?
Congenital Heart Defects, need I say more.

Its endless nights of tears as you wait for him to be born,
Its getting that first glimpse of him as they rush him away
Your heart is so torn.

You wait so long to hold him but you know that when you do,
It will not be the way you want because of all the wires and tubes.

They take him away for surgery you feel so helpless deep inside,
You get on your knees and you pray for God to keep your son alive.

The surgeon comes out to tell you that things didn't go as planned,
Its time for you to see him, Its time to hold his hand.

Your eyes fill up with tears but you know you have to be strong,
You have to let your baby know that he did nothing wrong.

You hold him and you kiss him and tell him its okay,
You tell him that you love him, but understand he can not stay.

He opens his eyes to look at you, you know the time is near,
You suddenly realize that this was your worst fear.

Now fast forward one month later and the pain is still there,
You are trying your hardest to make the world aware.

If you think this will not happen to people just like you,
I can tell you very different. Very sad but very true.

40,000 more children will be born affected this year,
4,000 wont live till their 1st birthday, a parents worst fear.

CHD research is grossly underfunded,
Please help me raise awareness this affects 1 in 100.

As a heart mother we ask for you to spread the word,
All that we ask is for our voices to be heard!