Emotionally drained

We had our appointments in St. Louis this week and wow what an adventure. We got there around 8 Thursday night and stayed at the Haven House. We didnt get much sleep at all we were both scared, nervous and just ready to be back home. We got to the hospitals around 830 Friday morning and oh my, words can not describe the size of that place. It is like a city within a city, Ive never seen something so big in my life! We finally got parked and started inside and tried to find our way to our first appointment. I was immediately overwhelmed by all of the hustle and bustle inside the hospital. Drs and nurses walking around everywhere, sick kids walking the halls, it was like something out of a movie. Our first appointment was the Fetal Echo. We got there about 30 minutes early and they went ahead and got everything started. I never knew an ultrasound could be so painful, they were scanning the babies heart for about 2 and 1/2 hours and the tech was not very gentle pressing very hard on my tummy. My stomach was so sore and misshaped after she was done. The dr came in to let us know what they had seen. She told us about the HLHS which we already were aware of, but then told us that the reason they had been scanning for so long was because they found something else that they were concerned with. If I remember correctly she said that little Parker also has Restrictive Atrial Septum which means that the blood flow from right side of the heart is not getting to the left side because of the small opening. The blood is backing up and causing the arteries to bulge. She explained to me that it is not something that they see a bunch of but they have dealt with these cases before. What this means was devastating to me, and I broke down and had a good cry. Basically we will not get to hold Parker after he is born, he will go straight to Cath lab for his first procedure right after birth. She told me that they will balloon the opening to make it bigger so the blood flow is better for his tiny heart. It is completely devastating to think of not getting to hold my son for possibly a very long time. 1 appointment down 2 more to go....

P.S. during the echo he got the hiccups and I got to see his little body jumping on the screen it was so cute and made me giggle!

We were then on our way to our next appointment which was in a completely different hospital about a good 20 minute walk away, Im telling you this place was enormous. By this time it was about 1130 we hadnt eaten or drank anything all day and I was already drained. This next appointment was for a routine ultrasound to check his growth. He is growing very good, the lady said that he was around 4lbs 2oz which is a very good size for 31 weeks. Im hoping he continues to grow and gets stronger as my pregnancy continues. He is going to be a chunky monkey, and you can see it in his little cheeks. He is so stinking cute! She gave me lots of good pictures of him and he even has hair! I love this little man so much already and cant wait to meet him soon.

Our next appointment was with the Maternal Fetal Medicine which is the High risk doctors that will deliver him. It was just a routine pregnancy checkup weight, measurements and urine samples. We waited FOREVER in the room for the dr to come in. We were so irritable at this point and my mom actually had to go tell the drs to hurry or we were going to leave LOL. It was after 2 and we still hadnt ate anything all day and they were in no hurry to get us out of there. I was very disappointed because I thought they were going to give me a date or at least an idea of when I would deliver but they said we would set that all up the next time we were there. Our next appointments are in about a month so end of November sometime and Im already dreading it. Just being up there really makes everything such a reality for us. That will be what we call home very soon.

I just sit and wonder how I will ever make it through this. People keep telling me that I am so strong and holding it together so well but I feel like a complete train wreck. I would not wish this on my worst enemy, sometimes the pain is so unbearable. I am so thankful that my husband has been right by my side through all of this and I hope that he continues to be strong for me and our precious son. I thought I was prepared for this trip but once we got there I realized that nothing is going to prepare us for what is to come. Its going to be a very long emotional road. I feel like I cant do this anymore and I just want to wake up from this ongoing nightmare. I hope that one day I will look back and be able to say that wasnt so bad and it was all worth it. But right now getting from one day to the next is such a struggle.

Here are a couple pics of the precious man, they arent very good because they are just pictures of pictures but they will have to do for now...