Today was a tough day for me, I guess its the pregnancy hormones or the reality of everything finally catching up to me I dont know. It seems like things will never get easier its always one thing after another. We have our appts. set up in St. Louis on Oct. 29th for the fetal echo, an ultrasound, and to meet with the high risk OBGYN that will deliver Parker. We decided since we didnt have anything going on this weekend we would use it to our advantage to get a few things taken care of before our trip to St. Louis in a couple weeks. First on the list was to get new tires. The ones we have are going bald and we are in very much need of new tires but just havent had the money to get them. Tires are so dang expensive for what I dont know but geez give me a break I know they can't honestly be worth $128 a piece. Anyways....we found some tires for a very decent price finally after calling every place in the phonebook and we were on our way to get some new tires. Wouldnt you know that the Jeep decides to overheat so bad that the check engine light starts flashing and the check gauges light comes on. We had to pull over on the side of the road and finally made it back home after having to stop 2 more times so that the engine wouldnt blow up on us.
We just had problems with the Jeep overheating and got it fixed a few weeks ago but this seems to be a whole different kind of problem. We have been stuck at home since 4:30 this afternoon with no way of going somewhere if we wanted or needed to...
So in the middle of all this happening and trying to make it back home my husband was frustrated and yells..."why cant my life just be normal" I didnt know what to think, I hurt so bad because I feel like I've done something wrong to give us all this bad luck lately. Im the one that pushed so hard to keep trying for a baby, Im the one that didnt want to give up even though the drs told us that we would probably never be able to conceive. And now we are the ones that have to learn how to live a "normal" life with a heart baby that is going to need a ton of special attention and care. I know Adam didn't mean anything by what he said, and all of us say things out of frustration but man it really hurt me today. I just want to give him back his "normal" life and I cant.
I guess we will learn our new normal as everyone keeps telling me, but when will things ever get better or at least easier to deal with? Finding the new normal comes with so many mixed emotions and sometimes I dont want to get out of bed and deal with it. Tomorrow while my mother in law is having a baby shower for her niece whom is due a couple of weeks after me, I will be at home making signs and posters for our Softball Tournament Benefit next weekend. Sometimes it all just seems so unfair.
I could keep rambling but I think everyone gets the point. Its just been one of those days, I should of stayed in bed and watched tv all day. Dont get me wrong I love Parker so much already and wouldnt trade him for the world but I still keep asking myself why, why, why?
I'm off to bed where I will lay there and wonder, What is normal?