Today was a tough day for me, I guess its the pregnancy hormones or the reality of everything finally catching up to me I dont know. It seems like things will never get easier its always one thing after another. We have our appts. set up in St. Louis on Oct. 29th for the fetal echo, an ultrasound, and to meet with the high risk OBGYN that will deliver Parker. We decided since we didnt have anything going on this weekend we would use it to our advantage to get a few things taken care of before our trip to St. Louis in a couple weeks. First on the list was to get new tires. The ones we have are going bald and we are in very much need of new tires but just havent had the money to get them. Tires are so dang expensive for what I dont know but geez give me a break I know they can't honestly be worth $128 a piece. Anyways....we found some tires for a very decent price finally after calling every place in the phonebook and we were on our way to get some new tires. Wouldnt you know that the Jeep decides to overheat so bad that the check engine light starts flashing and the check gauges light comes on. We had to pull over on the side of the road and finally made it back home after having to stop 2 more times so that the engine wouldnt blow up on us.
We just had problems with the Jeep overheating and got it fixed a few weeks ago but this seems to be a whole different kind of problem. We have been stuck at home since 4:30 this afternoon with no way of going somewhere if we wanted or needed to...
So in the middle of all this happening and trying to make it back home my husband was frustrated and yells..."why cant my life just be normal" I didnt know what to think, I hurt so bad because I feel like I've done something wrong to give us all this bad luck lately. Im the one that pushed so hard to keep trying for a baby, Im the one that didnt want to give up even though the drs told us that we would probably never be able to conceive. And now we are the ones that have to learn how to live a "normal" life with a heart baby that is going to need a ton of special attention and care. I know Adam didn't mean anything by what he said, and all of us say things out of frustration but man it really hurt me today. I just want to give him back his "normal" life and I cant.
I guess we will learn our new normal as everyone keeps telling me, but when will things ever get better or at least easier to deal with? Finding the new normal comes with so many mixed emotions and sometimes I dont want to get out of bed and deal with it. Tomorrow while my mother in law is having a baby shower for her niece whom is due a couple of weeks after me, I will be at home making signs and posters for our Softball Tournament Benefit next weekend. Sometimes it all just seems so unfair.
I could keep rambling but I think everyone gets the point. Its just been one of those days, I should of stayed in bed and watched tv all day. Dont get me wrong I love Parker so much already and wouldnt trade him for the world but I still keep asking myself why, why, why?
I'm off to bed where I will lay there and wonder, What is normal?
i am wondering the same...please if you do figure this out let me know... this sounds a lot like my last week i had to pay 400 dollars to get my brakes and rotars fixed on my car :/
ReplyDeleteand life just seems to keep throwing the fast curve balls at us!
i am sorry you are having a rough day i hope tomorrow is better. hugs from one of the same ... goodnight
Heather,
ReplyDeleteWish I could say or do something to make things better.You guys do have a normal life, just a little different normal than others. Trust me when little Parker gets here you and Adam will see he was worth every bit of all of this. We love you 3 and are here anytime you need anything:)
I know exactly how you are feeling. After Aly was diagnosed I would have days where all I did was cry and mourn the loss of my "normal". We have been living our new "normal" now for almost a year and a half. And yes, it is scary (especially in the beginning) but I wouldn't trade one second of it. I know how overwhelming and unfair it all seems. It's a rough start, but things can be great. Our life is great and you would never know that Aly has a heart defect and her extra care is not as much and as difficult as I imagined it being.
ReplyDelete((Heart hugs))
I've shared your frustrations countless times. I still do, to a much lesser extent. Like Jenny said, your new normal takes getting used to, but you will get used to it. Especially after Parker's second surgery. Hang in there. Just know that there are hundreds of us who've walked in your shoes and are alive, well and very happy. Keep your chin up.
ReplyDeleteStacey,
Mom to Zoe, HLHS 5 months
www.thelihns.blogspot.com
Hang in there! I know exactly how this feels...It is overwhelming and scary at the same time. But just know you WILL get through it, one day at a time. It does get easier and you'll find your routine. It is a big change and I think if you didn't feel this way sometimes, that is what would not be normal! Be encouraged, and like the other ladies said, you are not alone, and we are all here for you!
ReplyDeleteHugs and prayers =)
My daughter is now 9 months old and has HRHS. I remember when we were expecting her feeling very much the way you are feeling right now about "normal". There definatley is a "new normal" after you have a heart baby and it is a rollercoaster, each one of these little ones has a different journey they must take BUT know that God chose you and your hubby to be Parker's parents - He CHOSE you - YOU ARE PERFECT to be his Mommy :) Things for us really started to settle after our daughter's second surgery. She was 6 months old when she had her second surgery. Know that I have been where you are right now and although it is not easy it is a blessing to be a heart Mom :)
ReplyDeleteLove in Christ,
Tina B
Mom to Anna Grace (HRHS)
www.baasheepbaa.blogspot.com
You ladies give me so much hope and I thank you for that. I just wish I could get my emotions in check lol. I know once he gets here and we get this all started I will feel so much better. I know hes gonna be a little fighter, the unknown is just the scariest part all I can do is sit and wonder
ReplyDelete