Lately I find myself comparing our situation to others, I dont know why I do it I really try not to but I cant stop myself and its getting me no where emotionally. I still ask myself why and I still cry out that life isn't fair. I feel like people around me think that I should just except everything and just go with it but I cant stop wondering what if.
I decided right after we found out that Parker had HLHS that I didn't want a baby shower and that I didn't want a nursery because I was thinking about all the what ifs. I didn't want to come home to a house full of things that represented his life if he wasn't here with me. I don't understand why I cant just carry on like everything is normal and celebrate this pregnancy as if everything was ok and that he WILL come home with me. I feel like I'm mourning the loss of my baby before he is even born. I don't know if I made the right decision by not wanting things because now I feel like I'm not prepared for a baby that very possibly could come home.
I am just such a mess and feel so alone through all of this. I feel like I'm "behind" emotionally when I compare myself to other heart moms who are currently going through or have been through this already. I have more bad days than good lately. I think its because the time is getting so close. I can't look at baby things in stores without crying or feeling sad. I cant be happy for other people whom are expecting or just had a baby. I feel like I have so much hatred and I don't like it, but how do I just get over it and except my situation?
I find myself saying if he comes home instead of when he comes home. I don't want to be so negative about everything but I guess I'm trying to prepare myself just in case. I don't know how to explain all of this to people who have never been down this road. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel or if all of my feelings are normal. I don't even know if there is even any such thing as normal anymore. My life feels like its turned upside down and inside out and everyone is just staring at me like I'm a nutcase!
On another note I quit my job this week. Not because I wanted to but because I have no choice and Its time to start preparing for little Parker to make his entrance into this world. Once again this made me compare my situation to everyone else all week long. I didn't quit my job to become a stay at home mom to a perfectly healthy baby like I had always dreamed of. But I quit my job to become a stay at home mom to a very sick and very fragile baby. I cried so many tears this week because I knew this was it, this was the beginning. I have nothing more to keep my mind occupied I will be sitting at home getting everything ready for Parker.
Thank god for my husband because without him I would have crawled up in a cave somewhere and given up already. I just hope that he continues to keep his strength through all of this because I know Im going to need him more than ever in the coming months. I love you so much Adam and I know that you are going to be the best daddy in the whole world! Thanks for being my support and strength through all of this. Parker is the luckiest little boy in the world to have a daddy like you and I cant wait for him to get here so we can meet him!