Wednesday, December 8, 2010

This one is for Parker

This post is for Parker to read someday, I dont want him to think that I was a crying emotional mess all the time.

Parker words cant even begin to explain the love that your daddy and I have for you. We have loved you for many many years long before you were even given to us. I just want to tell you that even though you have a broken heart that will never be 100 percent repaired, we love you no less. In fact we love you more. We now know not to take things for granted. We have learned so much from you already. You have taught us how to love each other more. You have made our marriage grow stronger. You have showed  us what real love is.

When mommy was only about 19 weeks pregnant with you daddy got to feel your tiny kicks for the first time. The look on his face was priceless. He would poke and poke at my tummy trying to get you to move some more. I knew that he was in love with you. I would just lay there and let him feel you squirming around with the fullest heart.

Your daddy thought you were going to be a little girl all along. He even bought you the cutest outfit (behind mommys back) right after we found out we were going to have you. One day he went to check the mail and the outfit had finally came. He brought it to show me. It was a tiny pink Kansas City Chiefs cheer dress! The look on his face was so cute, he was so excited showing it to me, then he hung it up in your closet. He even put a diaper on the hanger and told me that he had your outfit all ready to come home! I love this new happiness you are giving your daddy.

The day of your ultrasound before we found out about your broken heart the nurse told us you were a boy. I looked up at your daddy and he had tears in his eyes, but a big smile on his face and I knew that he still loved you even though you would never wear that pink dress he had picked for you. He was now dreaming of you being a quarterback. And then we found out about your broken heart. I just want you to know Parker that you are not alone, your mommy and daddy have a broken heart too. Of course not in the same way as yours but the kind that feels like it has been shattered into a million pieces.

We laugh at you every single day! You are such a wiggle worm. I call you mommys little monkey. I have so many videos that I will show you someday of how much you like to wiggle around inside of your mommys tummy. Every night when your daddy gets home from work you like to show him how silly you are. You love to hear your daddys voice.  You start jumping around from one side of mommys tummy to the other. You always stick your feet out as hard as you can so that we can feel them. We kiss on you and love on you every night before we go to bed.

Then there are your get them alot. Sometimes you make mommys tummy jump really big from your silly hiccups. Daddy calls those your big boy hiccups. He will pat my belly trying to calm you down.

I just want you to know Parker that when mommy yells that she just wants this to go away and starts her sobbing that I dont mean you. I dont want you to go away, I just want your broken heart to go away. I want you with me forever. If that means that you have to be in my tummy forever then I would do it in a second. At least then I know that you are safe. I just want you to know how much you have made us laugh, smile and love. It is not all tears. And when the tears do come its not because we are angry with you, its because we love you more than you will ever understand.

We will see you in 2 short weeks baby boy, until then keep growing and squirming mommy doesnt mind.


  1. Such a sweet post, Heather. I can't wait to see pictures of your little fighter. Remember, you are not alone in this; several moms who've traveled your same path are ready and willing to lend you support.

    PS...I think you should post a picture of Parker in his cheer outfit once he gets home ;)

  2. i love it <3 we are in this together girl... seriously i will have my phone on me at all times you better too!

    xoxo olive and katie

  3. As a 28 year CHD Survivor thank you for posting this ... it made me cry to know how much my own parents loved me ... praying for Parker and your family ...

  4. Praying for Parker and your family. I don't think he will ever doubt how very much he is loved! Beautifully written!

  5. This post brought me to tears and also brought a few smiles at how Parker is already making you laugh. Such a beautiful letter and I will pray for the day when you can read it to your sweet miracle. You can do this. We are all here for you if you need us. <3 hugs.

  6. Beautiful post...Praying for you and Parker!!