The difference a year can make

Last year at this time I was dealing with infertility. My heart ached at the thought of never carrying a child, growing old with nobody to take care of me, no family to spend the holidays with. It was a very difficult time. I was so selfish and full of hatred. I hated that my friends and family were getting pregnant all around me. I couldn't understand why I couldn't do something that was happening by "accident" to everyone else.

Thanksgiving last year we had dinner at my moms house. We all sat around the table eating and I watched my sister pick at her food pushing it around from one side of the plate to another. We all got up from the table and my sister told me that she needed to talk to me about something so we stepped outside. With tears in her eyes she told me that she was going to be a mommy. I was in shock. She kept apologizing to me and telling me over and over that she didnt mean for it to happen, she wasnt ready for a baby, and that she wanted me to have the first baby. I was mad, I hated her, I screamed, I said hateful things. I couldnt look at her, I couldnt talk to her, I just wanted to run away. I went into my other sisters room and I cried like I never had before. The next few months I pulled myself away from my family. I felt like I couldnt share in their happiness so I didnt want to be around them. Everyone kept giving me "advice" on things to try and stuff to do to help me to conceive. It made me madder and madder nobody understood because everyone that was telling me this had conceived so easy.

In March the doctors told us that having children of our own was not very likely. In April I found out I was expecting. I will never forget that night for as long as I live. The look in my husbands eyes when he read me the results to the test I had taken and didnt want to look at. I was on cloud nine! I took several more tests and they all had the same result. I just couldnt believe it. I woke up everyday thinking I was going to wake up from my dream. Slowly but surely my belly started growing. I apologized to my sister for all the hurt that I had caused her. I knew that no matter what we were going to need each other. No matter what our children were going to need each other and we both knew we wanted them to grow up being best friends. I threw her a baby shower and a month later got to meet the sweetest little guy I have ever laid eyes on.

Payden Brown born July 6, 2010

 

And then came August...the days were slowly crawling by. I had waited so long to see my baby on that ultrasound and find out if my sisters baby would have a partner in crime to grow up with or a little princess that he would defend all the way through school. Little did I know that things were about to change. August 12, 2010 that is the day that I became a changed women. That is the day that the little things in life didnt matter anymore. That is the day that I became aware of CHDs.

Last year I cried because I thought I would never have a chance to meet my children. This year I cried because I dont know what my sons future holds.

Last year I hated the fact that my sister was going to have a baby. This year I played with my nephew, made him laugh, kissed him, tickled him, fed him, and was thankful for it.

Last year I unpacked all of the decorations and started decorating for Christmas. This year I have to start packing for Christmas spent in the hospital with my little blessing.

If only last year I would have known what I know now I could of been a better person sooner. Oh the difference a year can make!

Parker
From the bottom of your mommies heart I am so thankful for the way you have changed me. All of the things that I thought were such a big deal no longer matter. Because of you I have so many things to be thankful for. Because of you I will never look at this world the same. I promise to give you the best chance that I can give you. I promise to cherish everyday that you have with me. I promise to continue to fight for you. I promise to give you the best life I can give you. I owe you the world son.

I love you will all my heart and then some,
Mommy