Trying to prepare

Just a warning this post will probably be long and all over the place.

We went to St. Louis for all the appointments and tours of the hospitals today. Im always fine for the most part until I get up there and realize that this will be my home and life in the very near future. We arrived Sunday night and spent the night because our appointments started at 8 am this morning. Our first appointment was the routine ultrasound to check his growth. He is growing awesome they said he was around 5 lbs and 6 oz today. Hopefully he continues to grow and with Thanksgiving Im sure I will have no problem trying my hardest to fatten him up some more. We didnt get very many pics this time and none in 3d kinda disappointing but the little guy just wouldnt cooperate lol.

Our next appointment was with Maternal Fetal Medicine just the routine checkup of measurements, weight gain and all that fun stuff. I asked lots of questions about the delivery and what to expect. They have me scheduled for a c section (he is breech) on Dec. 22nd. I have very mixed emotions about that day, of course Im excited to meet him but I also just wish he could stay in there forever because this is the only time I can protect him. After the 22nd he is on his own and I feel completely helpless. Why should a mother and father have to go through this? Is it a test on our marriage? Is it a test of our faith? Whatever it is I dont like it and I would literally give my life to take this all away from him.

Our 3rd appointment of the day, the one that I always dread, the fetal echo. I hate more than anything having to see his broken heart on the screen knowing its all out of my hands. Last time we were there they thought he had a restrictive atrial septum. This time they are saying it looks completely intact. There is no blood flow getting through at all. This is the part that is the hardest for me. (This is the part in the appointment where I just stared at the floor with tears flowing, and tried not to listen to a word the doctor was telling me) What this means for Parker after he is born is that he will need immediate attention in the cath lab. From what I remember the doctor said they will need to act VERY fast. These babies are very critical and without this procedure within the first few minutes of his life he will not make it. The doctor explained to us that even though it seems so unfair, the wont have an extra second to spare for me to even touch him. The will immediately intubate him and whisk him away to the cath lab. Adam is going to be running behind them to be with our son. At this time I will be alone, very alone, without my baby and my husband. Nothing but strange doctors around me getting me all sewed up. I want my husband to be with Parker but at the same time this is the time Im going to need him. I feel so selfish. Im so scared of being alone but I know our son needs him more. Im a big girl and I should be able to deal with this by myself right? Why do I feel this way? The doctor just didnt give us much hope at all, he kept repeating that our baby was very sick. He said that after they open up the septum he still may not be strong enough to have the Norwood (the 1st surgery) then we will be faced with a decision to put him through it or just let him go. I dont want to think ahead to that point right now, I cant even imagine.

My feelings...Im handling it all the best I can. I have been trying to prepare myself for "worst case scenario" all along. I know you will NEVER be prepared for having to let go of your child but I feel like I have to start preparing now. I know that I can do this, that while it may be the hardest thing I will ever go through in my entire life, I know that I will be ok. Its my husband that I worry about. I cant fix it for him, I cant give him the family hes always wanted, I cant give him this perfect baby, our first born child. I know this may sound so wrong to some but Ive been grieving the loss of my baby since my 20 week ultrasound. Its the only thing I knew to do and Ive kind of in a weird way came to peace with all of this. As much as I want to fix my baby I know its out of my hands and I have no control. If he lives he will be my miracle and if he goes to heaven then he will no longer suffer and he will be my angel. As much as I hate to think that he wont make it I find strength in knowing that he wont suffer here on earth. My husband on the other hand hasnt shared his feelings on any of this, he keeps it all bottled up and Im so scared for him. He has done nothing but be strong for me and has yet to show that he is weak. He gets me through every day when all I want to do is lay in bed and cry. I love him so much for this but I want him to be weak with me, I want him to cry with me, and I want him to talk to me. Im so scared I will lose my son and my husband all at once. Im just so damn scared.

One thing I think about often, I had a very hard time conceiving this precious baby. We were told that it would probably never happen because we both had fertility issues. I used to pray/beg god for me just to be able to become pregnant. That is all I wanted was to be that glowing pregnant women in the store rubbing her belly. I would always think about Adam rubbing my belly and singing to our unborn child. I tried to imagine what it would feel like to feel the kicks for the first time. I dreamed of what I would look like pregnant. I thought of holiday traditions we would start and bedtime routines that included story time. Now that I think back not once did I pray to be pregnant with a HEALTHY child. Why would I not ask for that too? Why would I just assume that I would have this healthy baby and everything would be ok? I think maybe this is were I went wrong. Why would I beg god for a chance to be pregnant but not ask for my innocent child to be healthy? This is all too much sometimes god help me please...

Now that this has become a super long rambling mess of nothing that makes sense I just ask that everyone pray for us. Give me advice. Help me help my husband. Please help us prepare...